A few days after Christmas 2012 we realized we had not watched it this year, so we had an impromptu movie night. I love watching my family chuckle and guffaw at the mindless actions of the Griswold family. This film not only features Clark, his wife Ellen, and two children, Audrey and Rusty, extended family members also come to celebrate Christmas. Clark's parents and in-laws are there as well as Ellen's sister Catherine (bringing her memorable and daft husband Eddie and their two children, Rocky and Ruby Sue) and the ancient and senile Aunt Bethany and cigar smoking Uncle Lewis. The movie humor is slapstick. Cousin Eddie is by far my favorite character. Deftly played by actor Randy Quad, Eddie arrives with his family as a surprise to the whole clan. Turns out Eddie has been out of work for seven years. Living in their ill kept motor home, they are at the end of their rope financially. Clark does not particularly care for Eddie but as he is Married to Ellen's sister, he tries to make the best of it. In the end it is Eddie who saves the day.
Early in the film Ellen cautions her well intentioned husband not to build up too many outlandish expectations for this Christmas. But Clark does just that. In his mind this will be the best Griswold family Christmas ever. It was certainly the most memorable! The movie takes off from that moment. Each of Clark's plans results in a comedy of errors.
Over the past few weeks I have made a sobering realization: I am much like Clark Griswold. No I don't string way to many Christmas lights on the house, breaking the neighbor's expensive stereo and wrecking the house in the process. I don't fall off of the roof or get stuck in the attic. I don't buy a Christmas tree that could fit in Rockefeller Center, nor do I cut down trees from my front yard as a last resort just so we can have an evergreen decking the halls of our home. Yet, just like Clark, I tend to make extravagant plans for family perfection that rarely turn out as I expected.
I give pretty good advice to others - it's part of my job! When students come to my office in a tizzy because life is not meshing with their long held plan for the way things would go, I talk with them about the trap of having an "illusion of control." There are too many variables in any human equation to believe that life will come out the way we have planned - especially when those plans involve or are affected by other people. This is simply because other people have plans too. Most often other people do not consult you or me as to how they should plan their lives so that your plans and my plans will succeed in your way or my way. Nope. Life just doesn't work that way. Your plans and my plans are usually contingent upon everyone falling into line with what we want. That usually only happens in our fantasies. And life is usually not a fantasy. It is that R-word - reality.
I am not particularly a fan of the term "reality." It is too limiting, to final. I prefer the world of dreams, ideas, and possibilities!
Another bit of advice that I give usually pertains to couples preparing for marriage during what Ben Robbins, a former student at UGA, dubbed "Pre-mar" (premarital counseling). One of the topics we discuss in Pre-mar sessions is to manage expectations with the expectations of others and the reality of what is occurring at the moment. Most of the time couples get into spats because of differing expectations of situations, events, and people. The key is to begin to realize your own expectations, while asking about the expectations of your spouse (and other family members), and then actually noticing what is going on with everyone involved.
I should listen more to my own advice! When things go awry of my imaginative, grandiose plans I tend to make it worse - just like Clark - because of my reactions. Of course I never share my ideas with anyone else to see if my plans fit in with their plans. So, in the process of over reacting I miss the good times that could have been had if I had just relaxed and enjoyed the moment. Had I not built up the event in my mind as to how it would turn out I might have been present enough to enjoy what actually occurred, instead of getting in a huff and making it miserable for myself and sometimes, sadly, for everyone else.
Much of the success of managing expectations lies in observation and communication. Most of Clark's travails could have been avoided if he had shared with others what his plans were and what his expectations were. Then, he could have asked each person involved what their expectations were. That way the differing plans would have been immediately obvious, and new, more realistic expectations could have been formulated by all involved working together. They could have had a flexible plan that attempted to accommodate everyone's ideas.
But another key to managing expectations is to be flexible. Oddly enough, personality inventories that I have taken show that I am extremely flexible. I usually am - until I get stressed. Under stress - including when things don't go the way I expect them to go - I turn into Hitler!
After a failed family dinner last week - it's a long story, but basically I had built up expectations of a Norman Rockwellian dinner and nobody was in the mood - I decided to adjust my expectations. I love to cook for my family. And therein lies my realization. I cook to make them happy. Last week I realized that the dinner was more about me and my plans and expectations than about them having a great meal and enjoying each other. Hmmmmm.
I've decided to try to be a bit more realistic (as much as I despise that word). I've decided to try to moderate my plans for everyone else and to simply enjoy the times we have together. Novel thought. It seems to be working well so far. Hopefully I can keep the Griswold attitude away.
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