Awesome Wonder

Amazement, wonder, doubt, and faith - essential parts of my whole experience with God, came rushing back this morning as I was reading Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. It is so very easy to explain everything. I often joke with my students when asked if I can answer a question, "Sure, if I don't know the answer, I can make something up that sounds profound." Sadly, that is sometimes what I find myself doing.

This has been another of "those weeks" - not the kind that one never wants to repeat, but one that was very full and very satisfying. I've felt like I mattered. I've felt that things I've been working toward for 8 years are finally coming together. Both of my children are talking about Jesus. My son will probably "walk the aisle" this morning at church. After her birthday party my daughter and I lay in her bed last night talking about Jesus until almost 11:30 last night. She's (finally) asking questions about what baptism means and why she needs to do it. At work 5 years of dreaming and visioning is coming together. The students are catching on without me trying to manipulate them - it's cool to see. And, on a selfish note, I got the 2 bikes I've been dreaming of for many years, a new road bike and a mountain bike (which I've never had). It's been a good, though tiring time.

I've realized (again) that even though things are going well for me, there is much more beyond myself and my own little world. Oh I would love to take credit for everything happening in my children's and my student's lives. And yes, I've had a part in that. But ultimately this is all God's work. I am just a bit player on a stage I cannot even comprehend. I look outside and wonder where the leaves came from all of a sudden. They were not there a week ago. I had nothing to do with it. In fact, with the little care I give to my yard it's a miracle there is anything alive out there!

Oh Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

In Blue Like Jazz, Miller writes, "At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go our our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder" (p. 206). If only I could remember that all the time. It's too easy to forget, too easy to return myself to the center of the court, too easy to accept all of the (imagined) applause, too easy to forget about the divine mystery in the midst of everyday life! But in those seconds of remembering, the awe washes over me like a flood. My heart chills, my mind goes numb, and I find myself having collapsed to my knees before God - filled with a mixture of terror, exuberation, praise and speechlessness all rolled into one emotion -

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

- and quietly, slowly, imperceptivity, I hear my soul humming, then singing then shouting the words -

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration, And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

- and I realize, all at once that I am surrounded by the universe, not just one or two other folks like at church, but the whole universe - all people, every rock and tree, every planet, all created things - is also singing, praising God, each of us in our own unique way! And I think, "how could I not have seen this? How can I miss it? How can I become so self absorbed that I don't know my purpose is to live my life in such a way that all that I do, all that I say, all that I am is singing songs of praise to God?!?

And then I don't feel the need to answer all of the questions anymore. It's OK not to know. It's OK to allow children and students to wonder....