It's happened again...

I hate to admit it, but it has happened again: I have fallen victum to the consumerism that purvades our day. At times I am able to sink my life in my faith and family, forgetting all of the superfilious "stuff" that is hawked on t.v., magazines, websites and in stores as essentials for happiness and even comfort. However, gradually, almost unperceptably at first my eyes begin to wander, my wants begin to grow and before long I'm caught up in a cyclone of lust for stuff. The crazy part is that the only way I usually realize my state is when my credit card bill arrives. Cardiac arrest almost ensues. I look at the balance due and gulp, assured that there must be some grave mistake, some over charge, some double billing going on. As I scan the list of expenses, $14.76 for basics at Kroger, $52.49 for gifts and household items at Walmart, $7.22 for lunch at Ben's Barbeque Bistro, $2046.00 for the two bikes at Sunshine (but he gave me such a deal!), and the list goes on and on and on. I can rationalize all of the "expenses" - we have to eat, my kids have to attend birthday parties, i have to have deoderant, I was at lunch with a student, I have been planning on buying a new bike for years.... But when the bill comes, if I allow myself a moment of sanity I realize that I have been thoughtless and out of control. The thrill of the search and purchase doesn't compare to the reality of owning the "much needed" product. When sitting in the piles of stuff in my house or office that item that looked so appealing on the internet doesn't have quite the charm it once did. Some months I shake my head in dismay - "I did it again." Some months I just pay the balance, file the bill and move on without a thought. But then there are months like this one, months when a confuence of events seem to push me towards a more healthy place. I realize that it's not all about the stuff. The bill arrived in the midst of the business of last week. I didn't have time to think about much execpt packing my suitcase or backpack for my trips. This morning, however, I was sobered once again by Brian McLaren. In A Generous Orthodoxy I read, "The fact is, all religions are under threat... from the McDonalization and Wal-Martization of the world, from global consumerism, from forces that emanate... from New York and Hollywood - forces that make all religions equally superfluous, trivial compared to the lust for a new car or a new pair of jeans" (p. 254).

It's in moments like this that I find I have been quenching my thirst for God by stuffing my soul with lust for stuff. Upon close inspection I feel like a burrito from Moe's Southwest Grill that has been too stuffed and bursts when wrapped. I think I just need another wrapper, one more substantial, or maybe a more skilled burrito maker. But the reality is that I need to remove some of the filling - in fact, most of it needs to be cast aside. How much stuff does one person need? What values am I teaching my kids? Where does it end? How can I be so nieve?!? I think it's time for a period of fasting and a re-evaluation....

Memories....

Dance with My Father... Some memories will last a lifetime: this is one for me! When I take my family to weddings or other events where dancing is offered, Natalie alway asks, "Daddy, will you dance with me?" How can one refuse such a request? A student snapped this one on her camera phone while we were doing the "shag" at the recent BSU Formal.

It's not about me...

It is so easy to fall into thinking that the world revolves around me. We are the center of our own experiences. We are our points of view. Why not make the short jump to imagining that we are actually the center of the universe? Oh admit it! You do it too!

This morning as sip my cup a Joe (a bit too much sugar added) reading from the Psalms, I was unexpectedly knocked off of my high horse of self-centeredness. Let me set the scene. In Psalm 75 the people are gathered for worship. They utter the well-worn phrase in hum drum fashion, "We give thanks to you, O God; [perhaps with yawn?] we give thanks; your name is near [I wonder what's for lunch]. People tell of your wondrous deeds." And then God has the nerve to speak up! He was in this worship service, though the people didn't really care, or maybe didn't even believe he showed up anymore. God says, "...When the Earth totters, with all its inhabitants, it is I who keep its pillars steady. I say to the boastful, 'do not boast,' and to the wicked, 'do not lift up your horn; do not lift up your horn on high, or speak with insolent neck.'" (verses 3-5).

"Oops," I mutter. I guess God takes this perspective thing pretty seriously! Perhaps I should remind myself each day which way is up and who is really King of the Mountain! "OK Nate, write 10,000 times 'God is in charge, I am not.'"

I guess I get the picture. We all need reminders occasionally that it's not about me!

Awesome Wonder

Amazement, wonder, doubt, and faith - essential parts of my whole experience with God, came rushing back this morning as I was reading Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. It is so very easy to explain everything. I often joke with my students when asked if I can answer a question, "Sure, if I don't know the answer, I can make something up that sounds profound." Sadly, that is sometimes what I find myself doing.

This has been another of "those weeks" - not the kind that one never wants to repeat, but one that was very full and very satisfying. I've felt like I mattered. I've felt that things I've been working toward for 8 years are finally coming together. Both of my children are talking about Jesus. My son will probably "walk the aisle" this morning at church. After her birthday party my daughter and I lay in her bed last night talking about Jesus until almost 11:30 last night. She's (finally) asking questions about what baptism means and why she needs to do it. At work 5 years of dreaming and visioning is coming together. The students are catching on without me trying to manipulate them - it's cool to see. And, on a selfish note, I got the 2 bikes I've been dreaming of for many years, a new road bike and a mountain bike (which I've never had). It's been a good, though tiring time.

I've realized (again) that even though things are going well for me, there is much more beyond myself and my own little world. Oh I would love to take credit for everything happening in my children's and my student's lives. And yes, I've had a part in that. But ultimately this is all God's work. I am just a bit player on a stage I cannot even comprehend. I look outside and wonder where the leaves came from all of a sudden. They were not there a week ago. I had nothing to do with it. In fact, with the little care I give to my yard it's a miracle there is anything alive out there!

Oh Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder, Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

In Blue Like Jazz, Miller writes, "At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go our our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder" (p. 206). If only I could remember that all the time. It's too easy to forget, too easy to return myself to the center of the court, too easy to accept all of the (imagined) applause, too easy to forget about the divine mystery in the midst of everyday life! But in those seconds of remembering, the awe washes over me like a flood. My heart chills, my mind goes numb, and I find myself having collapsed to my knees before God - filled with a mixture of terror, exuberation, praise and speechlessness all rolled into one emotion -

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee, How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

- and quietly, slowly, imperceptivity, I hear my soul humming, then singing then shouting the words -

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration, And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

- and I realize, all at once that I am surrounded by the universe, not just one or two other folks like at church, but the whole universe - all people, every rock and tree, every planet, all created things - is also singing, praising God, each of us in our own unique way! And I think, "how could I not have seen this? How can I miss it? How can I become so self absorbed that I don't know my purpose is to live my life in such a way that all that I do, all that I say, all that I am is singing songs of praise to God?!?

And then I don't feel the need to answer all of the questions anymore. It's OK not to know. It's OK to allow children and students to wonder....