Post Super Bowl Conversations at the Byrd House

Lately some of the conversations around our home have concerned the Super Bowl. The topics discussed have not so much revolved around the game itself but the commercials and, yes, the halftime extravaganza. Each of us have a favorite advertisement, not known by the product but the theme or characters. My wife loved the one with the old folks escaping from the retirement home for a high on the town. Our son liked lots of them, especially the funny ones. Karlie, our soon to be 7 year old princess, loved the men playing dress up with the little girl to earn a bag of chips. My fav, sap that I am (and that of our teenage daughter) was the one with the Clydesdale and the man who raised him. And yes, I teared up. However, my absolute favorite Super Bowl ad didn't air until the Monday morning. It is a Jello commercial declaring the losing team to be the actual winners because the citizens of San Francisco will receive free pudding all day long as a consultation prize! 

Since watching the game (OK, the commercials) my wife and I have had an ongoing conversation about two parts of the night that we found uncomfortable at best, but more disconcerting and troubling though we could not exactly identify the reasons why. The two seem unrelated at first glance, yet are really very similar in theme. The first is perhaps obvious from about half of the posts in my Facebook feed: the half time show. During Beyonce's performance my wife asked, "What is this really about?" I was not really paying attention - I was playing a game on my iPad, listening to the music, occasionally looking up at the TV. Karen then answered her own question - its about sex, nothing else, just sex!" Of course, I then began watching. And I must agree with her. Yes there was music, featuring the superstar's hits. Yes, there was dancing, but the dancing was not just to emphasize the music, it was highly provocative and extremely suggestive. Of course the lack of clothing didn't help and what little coverage there was looked remarkably like lingerie. Karen asked, "How is this less provocative than the 'wardrobe malfunction' of several years ago?"

The other focus of our ongoing discussion was the GoDaddy ad where the geeky guy enjoys an extended, passionate kiss a supermodel. We had both seen interviews on TV with the model, Bar Refaeli, and actor Jesse Heiman, who portrayed the geek. I know, this is every teenage boy's fantasy. Since the ad aired Jesse (@JesseHeiman) has gained an exponential number of Twitter followers and is enjoying his newfound fame. 

So why have we focused on those two seemingly unconnected parts of the evening? This morning my wife - a middle school teacher - made the connection. Just like in middle and high school, we still divide into groups. The popular kids at the top of the social ladder don't mix with the nerdy kids at the bottom. None of the kids on the bottom would ever actually dare to try to get into the in group at the top - as much as the 80's classic movie Can't Buy Me Love would have us believe: Fantasize about it, yes. Actually try it? Never. The contrast is too great. As Karen observes, "unfortunately, that's what I think upset most viewers if we're honest when we viewed the kiss. The 'ugly fat kid' doesn't even deserve to speak to a super model, much less be kissed by her. That's why it seems wrong....He's absolutely caught off guard. The adults perpetuate these groups by the way we dress and teach kids to act and even how we treat other adults."

But I think it even goes further. I think it is a form of bullying. The glorification and objectification of beautiful, popular people and the demeaning of those who are not so gorgeous or socially proficient is just another type of social bullying. The commercials both serve to reinforce stereotypes that are unfair and untrue.

First, as Karen observed, the halftime concert was all about sex. Yet it was not about wholesome sex between two loving partners, it was about lustful sex. It was created to promote a desire for what we do not and cannot have. It the makers of such advertisements can connect deep seated sexual longing and lust with their products we, the easily manipulated public might just buy the product - advertise sex, sell more stuff!

Beyonce is an amazingly talented woman. She has an amazing voice. She is blessed with good looks. She works hard to stay in shape. Those things are obvious. But she is also a very intelligent, highly successful business woman. Beyonce is a loving wife, a new mother, and a faithful, adoring daughter. But because our society objectifies women (in particular) and the beautiful and famous we do not get to know Beyonce as a person - we only focus on the plastic, Barbie-doll image that the media wants us to see. Because of this we (and mainly men) get then idea that woman are primarily sexual objects. Woman get the idea that Beyonce's perfect tall, slender, fat-free body is the ideal. They begin to feel they must be just as alluring, just as sexual, just as revealing as Beyonce to get the attention of guys. They feel that if boys are not ogling them they are not good enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough. Some begin to post pictures of themselves and their friends on Facebook mirroring the seductive bedroom-eyes looks that Beyonce and other actors and performers model. I've cautioned a few coeds who post such pictures that those expressions should not be for public consumption but should be saved for their future life-partner. My wife has such looks too, but I don't want the world to see them, they are for my eyes only!

Second, though the guy gets the girl on screen in the GoDaddy advertisement, it is obvious from the way the scene plays out that the commercial was made for the shock value. We are immediately amused or disgusted by what we are watching. Bar Refaeli had been featured kissing Brad Pitt or Jessee Heiman was kissing Roseanne Rosannadanna (played by Gilda Radner on the 1980's SLN cast) the effect would have been far different. It would be expected, normal, understood. The shock is in the contrast that something doesn't fit, something is out of place, something in this scene is wrong. The juxtaposition of the beauty and the geeks in the commercial promotes the stereotypes. I know some folks today are embracing the term "Geek." They enjoy the intelligent, nerdy, perhaps counter-cultural role embodied by the term. I know some of these folks rather well. And I am convinced that most would not willingly adopt the term and the images conjured by its use, and only do so in the attempt to fit in, to have an understood and acceptable identity as they navigate their teen or young emerging adult years. Locating their identity in a negative self-image gives them a sense of power and control - "I choose to be like this! I'm only embracing who I am!" Though this idea of control is actually just going with the flow because most know will never live up to the ideal. Instead of feeling the freedom to be themselves as a smart, normal kid, each tries to become the characterture of a geek, sometimes going to the extreme, being more nerdy or geeky than is actually case just to feel better. 

The bully wins again. While he is not stealing their milk money, he is stealing their positive sense of self. 

As I read back through this I sound like a prude who is against popular culture, rock music, and even humor. I assure you I am none of those things. What I am is a concerned dad, husband, and minister who often counsels young women who struggle with poor self esteems. I imagine you would be surprised if you could meet some of these amazingly talented, intelligent and beautiful women. You would be shocked that they struggle with self-esteem issues. Some of the most physically attractive young women that I have worked with struggle with self-esteem - related to their appearance - just as much as their peers. 

I worry that although we talk about the messages we are sending our children and teens we really don't do much about changing anything. Our talk becomes cheap when our kids hear us rant and rave, yet laugh at and talk with our friends about the commercials that do the very things we criticize. Which messages are they to believe - what we say or what we do? I've always been taught that actions speak louder than words. What are the girls in our lives to think when they notice us (and they do notice) ogling at Beyonce (and other scantily clad women) while proclaiming how hot, how gorgeous, how amazing she is? What are our girls and wives to think when we watch the GoDaddy commercial and declare that Jesse "the Geek" Heiman is the luckiest guy in the world, or as some tweets just after the ad aired said, "He's the real winner of the night!" While most dads proclaim that their daughters are beautiful and most men tell their wives they are gorgeous, what do they believe from our other actions and statements? Do we understand that they are always watching us, always hearing what we say, even when it is not directed to them?

What do you think?