"I don't think you are depressed, though you are expressing symptoms of depression," my friend and counselor explained after I described the deepening rut I felt I had been in for a while now. He continued, "I think you are moving to a new stage of faith."
It has taken me several months to realize he was absolutely correct. It took so long because faith development is an area of expertise for me. In fact, this time last year I was writing my dissertation on the contemporary processes of faith development for emerging adults, or twentysomethings. My focus was on the transitions that occur during the movement from one stage to another as collegians graduate and move into what they often call "the real world" or the "adult world." I completely missed what should have been very obvious to me: I was in the midst of a transitional period in my own faith journey.
Over the next several months the combination of meeting with my friend/counselor, spending and waiting on God, I realized that I am in the midst of a period of deep transition and change, sort of a winter of the soul. In college I was enamored with Charles Swindoll's book, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life. That book helped me conceptualize the cyclical nature of spirituality, particularly navigating my calling as a young adult. Lately as a staff we have been reading Brian McLaren's Naked Spirituality and discussing it during our weekly meetings. It has been fascinating to note how different members of our staff have identified with the different "moments" of the faith journey McLaren discusses. In the latter chapters I have been the lone voice of experience among our staff speaking to wrestling with God in times of pain and crisis resulting in deep questioning, time attempting to be mindful & present in each moment, reading (lots of things familiar and new), sometimes doubt, and often spiritual confusion or apathy. That seemed odd to me. I realized that over the past few years I have been in the midst of a spiritual wintertime.
Over the past two weeks the chapters we read together have struck a deep cord within me - almost like McLaren had awakened something in the core of my being with a light strum across some hidden cords of my soul. At first there was an awareness of movement, then the realization of sound. As I have tuned my ears to the growing, yet unfamiliar tune, I am finding it oddly comforting, though I have not identified a song among the sounds. As I am learning to make sense out of the odd formation of notes I am realizing that my heart is trying to sing new arrangements to some very old hymns. What was old has become new again. McLaren would say I am beginning to experience a second naiveté. I am finding profound meaning in simple ideas and truths and don't have any need for complex arguments or discussions. Not only do I find such conversations & diatribes boring, I find they try my patience. What used to capture my imagination and fan my spiritual and emotional passion now seems superficial and silly. As I am talking about God with my six year old daughter, I am blown away by the simple truths that thought I matured beyond. With my first two children, now 14 & 15, when I told them the simplified stories of the bible I mentally worked out complex systematic theologies to explain the hidden meanings and truth beneath the truth. Now I find the simple messages to be all that really matters. I catch myself meditating on them, stunned by them, knowing that I will never really understand the depths contained in these simple, well worn phrases, and believing that I will never need to grow beyond them to be completely content.
"In the beginning God...."
"God created...."
"God is love."
"Jesus loves me, this I know."
God is everywhere.
"Love each other as I have loved you."
In response to these elemental ideas I am overwhelmed with awe. My only response has been stunned gratitude.
I'm not completely out of the blahs yet. The chill of winter still fills my evenings and mornings. But through the gray skies I have gotten a glimpse of sunshine and feel the warmth that will soon fill the coming springtime. I am getting a glimpse of new life as tiny leaves begin to break through the snow-hardened soil and buds appear on the barren branches. And I am filled with hopeful anticipation for the days ahead.
It's going to be a beautiful Spring!
No comments:
Post a Comment