Sometimes we all need a vacation

Sometimes it's good to get away for awhile. I usually realize that I need a break long after the effects of exhaustion have set it, and set in deep. There two main ways I know I'm tired. The first is when I have trouble sitting still. I feel I have too much to do to pause, even for a moment, even for a good thing. I hear myself saying, "just a minute" or "let me finish this one thing," way too often. When that ramped up attitude is paired with the second sign - a hyper cynicism - I know i need to step back for awhile and regroup.

It's been a very busy semester. Today I realized just how exhausted I have become. It hit me as i was restlessly sitting in a meeting today, inwardly complaining about every minute detail, thinking, "this is such a waste of time." I was still thinking such thoughts when the director of th camp began his devotional. He rambled a bit, told a story, rambled some more, then read this scripture:

"Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.' So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place" (Mark 6:31-32 NIV).

Then he began to say that he believed we were all tired and were in need of deep rest. He hoped that this place, this camp, could provide some restful rejuvenation or each of us. That's when it hit me. I sighed, and realized I have been sighing for months now. I have been bouncing from one ramped up state to the next with a few crashes in between. I have not really rested at all lately. Though my to-do list is not going to shrink, my attention to it can change. I can, and will, determine not to let my lists and activities control me, but that I can and will control them. Now that I have seen my need for rest I am determined to find it, relax in it, and return home in a better state to serve my family, do my job, and cover all of the items piling up on my lists. 

Perhaps that's why Nora Jones' line has been so compelling; "come away with me," she pleads.   That song has been stuck in my head for months. Now that I am away, I'm going to pause, reflect, pray, meditate, write, and enjoy the quiet. 

Conflicted...

This morning I find my muddy emotions of the past few days a bit less murky - at least I am able to see the disparate divisions of thought in my mind more clearly. The posts, tweets, and blogs of others have helped the mud settle back to the bottom. I stayed up on Sunday night waiting for the "announcement" from our President. All the while I was following Twitter and Facebook, speculating like everyone else what the news would be. After the announcement I was shocked at the unapologetic hatred and elation over Ben Ladin's death being expressed by many of my Christian friends. However, at that time I didn't have words to express my thoughts.

I am proud to be an USAmerican. I too am tired of this ten year war we have been waging against terrorism. I too feared the evil plots and schemes of Ben Ladin and the other leaders of terrorist organizations around the world. I too was horrified when the twin towers were attacked in New York and the Pentagon in Washington DC. Part of me was proud that our special forces were able to "take out" this mastermind of terror, or as our Governor deemed him, this "embodiment of evil" in a surgical strike, much like we have grown to expect from movies like Mission Impossible or like we role play in Halo or Black Opps. With Jim Wallis, I am glad this was not another bombing that might have resulted in the death of many civilians. However.....

As I watched Twitter explode with posts of rejoicing, several thoughts and quotes began swirling in my mind. Over the past few days those thoughts have grown louder, while the patriotic thoughts have quieted:

"Love your enemies; pray for those who persecute you." - Jesus

"I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter, But I think its about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore. Ah...these times are so uncertain. There's a yearning undefined and people filled with rage. We all need a little tenderness; how can love survive in such a graceless age. Ah the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness, they're the very things we kill, I guess...." Don Henley, Heart of the Matter

"Joyfully celebrating the killing of a killer who joyfully celebrated killing carries an irony that I hope will not be lost on us. Are we learning anything, or simply spinning harder in the cycle of violence?" - Brian McLaren

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - attributed to Martin Luther King, Jr.

Perhaps over the next few days and weeks better theologians than I will suggest a "Christian response" to this that will be easy to understand that will end my befuddlement and give me the clarity to easily explain my thoughts to others.

Perhaps mine is not the best, most thought through response. Perhaps it is not the most patriotic reaction. Perhaps it is not the most manly response. But today,

I choose life.

I choose grace.

I choose forgiveness.

I choose love.