OMG, that's me!

Today was one of the toughest I've had as a father. Our baby daughter, almost 2, underwent some minor dental surgery this morning. I gladly accepted the parental role of taking her to the dentist and caring for her afterwards. It was wonderful holding her before and after the procedure. However, I didn't quite understand what the doctor meant by "she will be a bit emotional for a little while this afternoon as the medicines work out of her system". At one point my precious little baby was thrashing around as I calmly, but firmly tried to restrain her. Despite my best efforts she managed to break open the cauterized site under her lip, filling her mouth with blood. She was so violent that I couldn't even blot her lips, cheeks, hands, shirt, or the spots on my clothing or the couch. karlie is the calmest, most good natured kid I've ever been around! And she was acting like an out of control demon!
Karlie is her daddies little girl. There has been a special attachment between us since I carried her from the delivery room to the nursery when she was born. Between the measurements and procedures that followed Karlie would begin to get unsettled. But I was able to calm her down by holding one of her tiny hands in mine and whispering sweet words in her dainty ear. She responded almost immediately, quieting her cries and relaxing her body. The same practice has worked, without fail, ever since. But not today. Today nothing worked. Gentleness? Didn't work. Holding her tight so she couldn't thrash about? Nope, she became livid, actually shaking with fury! Letting her go, so she had freedom and independence to calm herself? That was the worse choice of all! As I scooped her up to try again I had to admit that I could not do this. I prayed for her (and myself) again, this time out of desperation. And as I regained control of myself, I had a humbling thought. Nate, this is you and God right now. You are fighting God as God tries to hold you and guide you, keeping you from hurting yourself. But karlie is on drugs, but what's my excuse? My answer is humbling, I'm pretty rebellious. No, I'm not running around living a sketchy double life behind everyone's back. But I do push against the boundaries just a bit. I do find myself putting my foot down with God, saying, "No, I am doing it my way!"
So I snuggled my baby girl a bit more gently, and sang soft, sweet tunes in her ear for as long as it took for the meds to wear off, hoping God is doing the same with me - holding me close while I attempt to push away, until my strength is exhausted and I fall gently, safely back into God's arms, into God's will.
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